I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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