You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
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Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
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Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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