i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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