Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
he's gonorrhea incarnate
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
my liver is dry heaving
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
