new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
