i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
