Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
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I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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