You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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