I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
