she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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