Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
