she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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