so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
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Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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