There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
