Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
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His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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