i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
