sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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