you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
