It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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