i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
