okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
