During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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