Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
