I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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