Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
