How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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