This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
