i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
