I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
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Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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