I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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