Pants 0. Shit 1.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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