I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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