I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize