Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
