Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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