"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
