Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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