My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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