Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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