I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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