I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
