You can't special order awesome
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
