You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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