I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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