My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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