I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
