I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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