i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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