Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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