there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
