That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
