Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
