I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
