Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
